How
To Become The Department Head
Never
walk down the hall without a document in your hands.
People with documents in their hands look like hardworking
employees
heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their
hands look
like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with the
newspaper in their
hands look like they're heading for the bathroom. Above all,
make sure you
carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the
false
impression that you work longer hours than you do.
Use computers to look busy.
Any time you use a computer, it looks like work to the casual
observer.
You can send and receive personal e-mail, calculate your
finances and
generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related
to work.
These aren't exactly the societal benefits that everybody from
the
computer revolution expected but they're not bad either. When
you get
caught by your boss --and you will get caught--your best defense
is to
claim you're teaching yourself to use the new software, thus
saving valuable training dollars. You're not a loafer, you're a
self-starter. Offer to show
your boss what you learned. That will make your boss scurry away
like a frightened salamander.
Messy desk.
Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of
us, it
looks like you're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of
documents
around your workspace. To the casual observer, last year's work
looks
the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them
high and wide.
If you know somebody is coming to your office, bury the document
you'll
need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when
he/she
arrives.
Voice mail.
Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't
call you just
because they want to give you something for nothing - they call
because
they want you to DO work for THEM.
That's no way to live! Screen all your calls through voice mail.
If somebody
leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending
work,
respond during the lunch hour. That way, you're regarded as
hardworking
and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel. If
you
diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and
then returning
calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds
that they will
give up or look for a solution that doesn't involve you.
The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is
"Ignore my last
message. I took care of it." If your voice mailbox has a
limit on the number
of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit
frequently. One way
to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that
takes too long,
send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded
message that
says, "Sorry, this mailbox is full" a sure sign that
you are a hardworking
employee in high demand!
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