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Mental
Health Hotline
Hello,
and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline...
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay
on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred
to the Mother Ship
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice
will tell you what number to press
If you are a manic depressive, it does not matter which number
you press, no one will answer
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696
If you have a nervous disorder, please fiddle with the * key
until a representative comes on the line
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone
number, date of birth and mother's maiden name
If you have post traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully
press 000
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave message after the
beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the
beep.
If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short
term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss,
press 9.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up now. All our
operators are too busy to talk to you.
Isolation
Precautions
A
doctor stops a fellow physician in the hallway. "I have a
patient with AIDS, Chlamydia, Gonorrhea AND Syphilus."
"Geez, that's horrible. What do you do for a patient like
that?"
"I have him on a special diet of pancakes and
flounder."
"Pancakes and flounder! My god, that's revolutionary! Does
it work?"
"I don't know. It's the only thing that'll fit under the
door."
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